Monday, April 30

If this is Karma, I'd Sure Like to Know What I Did Wrong!

So today I was planning on posting my thoughts on the Democratic Candidates Debate, and I was even composing it in my head while I drove home. Then I made the mistake of checking the mail on my way in the door.

Today I received not one, not two, but three rejection letters from community colleges that I had applied to.

Shit.

Now I have to just keep writing in order to prevent myself from burying my head under my pillow and bawling or eating everything in the pantry to fill the giant, gaping hole that I feel in my gut.

I am just so frustrated and so angry at myself and so depressed. I don't know what else to do with these fucking applications! My CV looks great. I have three glowing letters of recommendation from world-famous professors. I have a fantastic cover letter pointing out all of my exceptional qualifications and emphasizing my love of teaching. And still, not even one interview. Nada. Nobody wants to see my fabulous teaching portfolio; nobody cares about my amazing student evaluations; nobody wants to discuss my teaching philosophy.

I wish that I could just say "Screw them...their loss" and move on. Except that there is no school waiting in the wings to snatch me up, thanking their lucky stars that those other schools didn't want me. NOBODY wants me! Not even my own fucking school that I don't even want to teach at.

I could have maybe handled one rejection today, but three? That has used up all of my ability to cope for the week.

I just feel so powerless. Teaching is the one area in life where I feel fully confident about myself. I know I am a GREAT teacher. My students tell me that (well, except for the 10% of them who are never happy with the professor unless she says "Hey! Why don't we all just cut out this semester, and I'll give you all As? What say?"). My professors tell me that. My heart tells me that. But the job market? The job market tells me that I am a complete failure. That my chosen profession, the one that I have spent an obscene amount of time in school training to do, is out of my reach. That I cannot do the job I love to do and should instead accept my fate as a stay-at-home-mom because I will never, ever amount to anything else.

And I don't mean to snark on S.A.H.M.s here, but I, personally, do not have what it takes to be a S.A.H.M. I am so completely miserable not working that I can hardly function. I have put so much time and money into this teaching gig--it's what I want to do; it's what makes me happy--and I CAN'T DO IT!

Then I feel that the more desperate I become, the less chance I have of getting a job. It feels kind of like infertility that way. Desperation leads to failure, but how can you keep from being desperate when you are FAILING?!

And friends, please stop asking me how I am every time you see or talk to me. Unless you hear otherwise, nothing has changed. Believe me, if I got a job the world would know. You could not shut me up about how happy I was. I would call each and every one of you personally to let you know that I had SUCCEEDED. Being constantly asked, "So, how are you doing?" only forces me to think of the real answer to that question. It only forces me to come up with an appropriate lie. It only forces me to say "I'm OK" when really I am far from it. I know you mean well--I know it means you care, but I am definitely not okay and I won't be until something in my life manages to go as I had hoped it would.

Okay. Enough misery for now. I am sorry to rant on like this, but I needed to holler at someone, so I chose you.

2 comments:

BellWookie said...

ah, sweetie. I feel your pain. I really do. Well except for the fact that I stopped at a masters. Tell em to eat rocks, and then eat at least a pint of Ben & Jerrys. Hmmm. Maybe make an ice cream float with kahlua. It will happen. I promise. s'what I keep telling myself.

Oh, The Joys said...

I'm so sorry. One thing though - F*CK THEM is right. Don't give up.