Friday, June 30

Motardmageddon: Idiot Child Apocalypse

Every single time I point out that children are like monkeys, only less intelligent and more belligerent, some flaky motard who believes in the purity and innocence of children pipes up. Because My new world order will need people around to mop floors and clean sewage I refrain from beating them senseless. Why then, one might ask, does the Master say that children are like monkeys? Simple. Allow Me to explain this aspect of the world to you, My apprentice.

Here is a story:

A couple was shopping with their child, who had two years of experience in the world. While they were pushing the cart, their child, who was cursed with their genes, was cavorting and capering from inside the cart. The danger to the child's brain was high, perforce, as the sharp and sudden contact with the ground that was likely to occur would splatter said brain all over the store. Then, in a flash of lightning and a booming thunder, the hero of this tale appears. The couple neared the meat and seafood counter of the store, and for the rest of this tale, a biblical tone will be used, as there is a lesson to be learned here:

8 And they did approach the counter where the meats and fruits of the seas were kept, and their child did continue to endanger himself, for lo, they were Motards, and with this malady did they also afflict the child.

9 It came to pass, moreover, that the Master of this place, a butcher, did see these things as they did occur.

10 This butcher was of exceptional grace, moreover, and was known for his wisdom, which did rival that of Solomon in his early years, and did leave the wisdom of certain other elders as if biting unto the dust.

11 It was noted by this man that the child was not at fault, for, verily, it is said that if a tree or fruiting body be accursed with rot and Motardness, so too must the fruits of that entity be also accursed.

12 And because he did not prophecy that all was lost, he did undertake to protect the child from its own heedlessness and debaucheries.

13 In a voice resonating with power, he did say:

14 Aroint ye, thou miscreant! Thou wast cast into the outer darkness at birth, through no fault of thine. Thus do I bring ye back into the Light! Seat thyself! And properly in thy cart, lo, for an I see but a mustard seed of foolishness my wroth will be greater still than it is now, and many will taste of the dust, and there will be wailing and the gnashings of teeth!

15 And the child did hear, and was afeared. And so did the child at last come to be seated correctly in the cart, and the danger to the brain was averted thereof.

16 The parents of the child were amazed, for they had made a feeble attempt, with but half a heart, to accomplish the same ends anon, but had been rebuffed by the child, and had thereunto ceased to attempt this feat, for lo, it is said that those with the hearts and minds of poxy sheep do behave in such a manner, and it is even as the prophets say.

17 Whereupon they did ask of the butcher, How is it that you can command our child? Long has he resisted our words; long has been our suffering. Do ye possess some grace of which we knoweth not?

18 Yes, said he, I do, for understanding hath been given to me that children are like unto the beasts of the trees, and must be commanded in a firm tone to cease that which is dangerous unto them. It is my way to know that children are not equipped, verily, to make unto this world their own decisions, and must be guided by a hand wiser and greater than theirs. If such a hand must come from outside the family then so be it, for should I allow Motardness to claim the lives of children who are innocent despite themselves, would then I not be even as are ye, a blight upon creation and all that is?

19 And all around did they hear, and were amazed, for this was new to them. And they were also afeared, for one such as this was truly a giant bestriding the earth.

20 And one of those gathered did say, Thou art truly a great man, and a lord of mysteries.

21 And he did reply, Damn skippy, muthafucka.

The lesson is thus: if you do not want to be considered a motard, be a parent to your children, and require obedience and respect. If you want to be friends with your children, be prepared to have a lot of conversations about prison food and tossed salad.

TWITCH, take note. I make this vow to you. I will personally guarantee that I will see through every stratagem, every manipulation, every ruse that you try on Me. I will always have My Burning Eye on you. I will know where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, what you say, and what you think. If it ever appears that I have missed a trick or been fooled, rest assured: I am just following a plan more sinister and complicated than you could understand, and you are just digging a deeper hole if you think otherwise. That oppresive pressure you feel on the back of your neck is Me watching you, and that oppresive pressure you feel in your ass is My foot, punishing you for screwing up. I will not raise a drooling monkey, and you will thank Me for My care when you finally understand. This will probably be on the day you strangle the life out of Me and seize control. On that day, My pride will know no bounds, and as you crush My trachea know that your Father cries tears of happiness, and be content.


ErinBW said...

Watch out! Pretty soon they'll be sending in their yuppie friends for further parenting advice.

MamaT said...

You are truly insane!