A Not-So-Big Idea

So I was watching Oprah yesterday (because the draw of Oprah is just too powerful at 4:00 when Daddy is almost home and I'm tired and frustrated and have begun to question this whole Mommy business and Oprah just might have the answers for me), and she was talking with Moms who turned their small ideas into multi-million dollar empires, making all of the Moms at home feel stupid and inadequate for not coming up with ridiculously simple ideas of their own to make millions because hey, who knew it was just that easy, when I thought of this ridiculous thing that I had seen in the classifieds of one of the parenting magazines that I got a free subscription to just by having a baby (because that is the real reason to have children...free subscriptions!), and I thought that I'd share it with my readers because it's way more fun to mock people with really stupid ideas then to envy the ones with the good ideas! (Wow! That was all one sentence!)

So here it is, the thing you just cannot live without...the Baby Shaker!


Now how did I get through nine months of pregnancy without a cheap piece of plastic with bells attached so that I could know when my baby was moving?! Because Lord knows I couldn't, you know, feel her moving or anything! Or that anybody couldn't just look at my belly and see the Alien-esque undulations as M. did her best to escape through my navel! And I could have had this treasure for only $21.95! What a bargain! I guess I'll have to go on-line right now and buy this essential item for anybody I know who is pregnant so that they won't suffer this loss as I have. Oh wait! I'm not going to do that because this is the most ridiculous and useless thing I have ever seen! I think even Lillian Vernon would pass on this contraption! I mean seriously, people....seriously.

(If you want a really good laugh, though, go to the web-site and watch the "action video.")

So here's some of my big ideas, Oprah...maybe I will win your contest and become the next multi-millionaire and then I can be on your show and we could maybe even do lunch:

1) Robot nanny. Who can afford full time help anymore except rich Republicans who hire their child care illegally from third world countries? Weren't we promised robots by now? I've tried the whole dog-nanny thing from Peter Pan, but Grendel didn't want to wear the ruffled hat. I need me a robot! I'll get Ian working on the prototype right away.

2) Self-cleaning bottles. The minute you replace the cap on a used bottle, a poof! and a whoosh! and the bottle is clean and sterile and ready to go. I'm sure the science for this exists somewhere.

3) No-mess baby food. I imagine this would work something like those magnet-dust kid's games, but the food is attracted to saliva and just sucks right into the baby's mouth as soon as it dribbles down her chin. Or maybe some sort of surgically implanted tiny vacuum just under the tongue. I hate to put the bib people out of business, but this is a competitive world.

I think I'll go apply for patents on all these ideas right away. Maybe I'll call whatever attorney got the Baby Shaker people their patent because he must be very, very good.