National Doughnut Day

June found M. and I back in the LBC to visit the Wilsons and meet Baby Audrey. One morning, Brian and I were up early with the kids, and we saw on the news that it was National Doughnut Day. I didn't even KNOW that there WAS a National Doughnut Day! Of course, I didn't need any better justification to go get some doughnuts, so we packed the kids in the car in their pajamas and took off to Krispy Kreme to get our free doughnuts!

Yay! Krispy Kreme!

Decisions, decisions...

A balanced and nutritious breakfast!

We LOVE Doughnut Day!

My Favorite Band in the WORLD!

My birthday trip to Berkeley with Micaela to see R.E.M. Back in May. Yes, I'm catching up.

Navigating Berkeley can be difficult unless you spot a car to follow...

Opening act...EURIPIDES!

SO excited!

My expansive seat space.

You can never have too many Michael Stipes.

Matilda's First Camping Trip

On Memorial Day we went on a short trip to Auburn to camp with my friend Hannah after her rafting trip. I wasn't sure if Matilda would be too into camping, but she loved it! Daddy was a little less enthused about the amount of dirt M. wanted to spread all over herself.

"This is MY log! Get your own!"

Relaxing with Auntie Hannah

Enjoying the view...of dirt.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Nablopomo: Day Three

In case Nablopomo hasn't been depressing enough so far, here's another one:

Grendel
July 1996-October 2007

Good Boy

Nablopomo: Day Two

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel that I should let everybody know that I quit my Ph.D. program. This happened a few months ago, but it is one of those things that one really has to come to terms with oneself before announcing it to the world. I don't know if I have really come to terms with it, but I am least ready to let people know. Here are my reasons for this decision:

1. I was so far behind in my studies. I don't feel badly about this because I have lots of good reasons for not being right on track with my program. Getting engaged, getting married, going through infertility treatments, and having a baby are all little snags that slowed me up...in other words, life happened to me while I was trying to pursue a Ph.D., and I was not willing to put life on hold until after my doctorate came through.
2. I lost my fellowship. Well, I didn't lose it, it just expired (see number one). It's a lot harder to go to school when you actually have to pay for it. Especially when you just had a baby and your husband is supporting the whole family. Plus, without a fellowship I am no longer teaching, and teaching is my one big motivation to do this job. Without it, I have completely lost my passion for my studies.
3. I already have the degree that I need to do the job I want to do. I have always wanted to teach at the community college level. My passion is for teaching, not for scholarship, and if I got a job at the university level my teaching would be considered secondary. I have only ever wanted to teach at a CC where I don't have the pressure of being published and can put all of my energy into being the best teacher I can be. I only need an M.A. for that. I only ever went into the Ph.D. program to make myself more marketable and to raise my earning potential. At this point, I just want to get hired and start teaching full time. I'm sick of being a student.
4. I am pessimistic about the job market. My experience with going on the job market last year was pretty miserable, and I hear the same sort of stories from folks who HAVE their Ph.D. If someone could guarantee that if I finished up my doctorate I would have a job waiting for me, I would absolutely do it. However, I would feel doubly miserable if I put all that time and energy and money into completing my program and then be no better off than I am now.
5. There are many women who can raise a baby and complete a dissertation at the same time. I am not one of those women. Shit, I can't even keep this damn blog up to date.

Although all of the above reasons are pretty good ones, and my advisor agrees with me and feels I'm making the right decision, I still feel pretty miserable about it. Obviously, I feel like a HUGE failure, and that the fact that I am half a doctor will hang over my head for the rest of my life, not to mention a fuckload of student loan debt. Also, I feel so stupid for ever leaving Southern California--the only reason we moved to Reno is so that I could get this degree, and now we're kind of stuck here. It's times like this that you just have to believe that things happen for a reason. I really do miss my teaching terribly, though, and would give anything to be back in the classroom again.

Summer's Almost Gone

Summer comes slowly to Reno, but leaves quickly. Sometime after Labor Day, it packs its bags and takes off for the Southern Hemisphere. No long, drawn-out goodbyes, no tears--one day it is unbearably hot, and the next day the heat breaks like a fever and it is Fall.

In Reno we say goodbye to Summer by eating copious amounts of pig flesh.


You may remember that this time last year I was 9 months pregnant and packing away two racks of ribs in the all-you-can-eat VIP Rib Village. This year, alas, we couldn't afford to be VIPs and had to stand in line at the rib booths with the rest of the commoners. Above you see me gnawing on an ear of fresh roasted corn because I find fresh roasted corn with butter and seasoned salt to be one of life's greatest pleasures. Ian mocks me for this, saying that corn is "filler" and that I am wasting good rib space. I still ate more ribs than he did--SUCKA!


Matilda doesn't yet have enough teeth to enjoy corn-on-the-cob, but she does love her some ribs, and she got to enjoy the Rib Cook Off being wheeled from booth to booth gumming various bones from the different competitors--ah to be a baby!

***

I went to Starbucks on Saturday morning and scared the barrista with my burst of enthusiasm at seeing that the Pumpkin Spice Latte was back on the menu. You think they'd be used to crazy women shouting "Omigod! PUMPKIN!" But apparently I'm the only one. (You should see me on the day they bring back Gingerbread Latte!) Then I paused, let it sink in, and then started chiding the poor barrista: "Wait a minute...it isn't fall yet! It's only Labor Day!" She looked at me, confused, and kind of shrugged. I declined the Pumpkin Spice Latte, informing her that things just taste better when you wait for the appropriate time. Like how I won't drink eggnog before Thanksgiving no matter how much I love it. I love Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but not until Fall, and Starbucks should wait at least until the Equinox.

Then I opened the door this morning and what should I feel but that cool, brisk gust of air that signals the arrival of Fall. I felt sad and started missing summer immediately. This afternoon I noticed that the tree in our yard was already sporting a few red leaves. Goodbye, Summer! Time for me to go get my Pumpkin Spice Latte.

The last picture of Summer

Moving On Up

Yes, I am still alive. I have not been able to post on my own blog or read anyone else's for three weeks now. Because we moved! Yay!!! Moving Day was May 16, but we have been very busy ever since painting and unpacking and organizing and all of that crap that is part of the deal when you move. Plus I didn't have internet for a week...GAH!

Anyways, our new house is SO GREAT! It is in the old part of town--my favorite--in an old brick duplex that is historically protected by the City of Reno. And for an old house, it is BIG! 1100 sq ft and a basement! The inside has some aesthetic challenges, like a previous resident who liked wallpaper A LOT and a kitchen that was remodeled in the '70s, but what can you do? I am willing to overlook all of this for one simple pleasure...I am centrally located and can WALK downtown! No more nasty suburbs for me! I cannot tell you how much this has done to improve my mood. The last year has taught me that I am NOT a suburbs person, even with the perks of new houses with all of their new house smell and their new house wiring and their new house insulation. I like being in the middle of things, and, most of all, I like walking. "Commute" is a word that I would like to eradicate from my vocabulary altogether. From where we now live I can walk to the movies, walk to five different coffee houses, walk to the river, walk, walk, walk. And when I do have to drive, no more than a couple of miles will get me pretty much anywhere I want to go. I LOVE IT!

View of our new house, left side. Note that even though it is a duplex, the houses are only joined by the garages.

View of our new house, right side...Did I mention it was a corner lot?

Our neighbor across one street--God.

And across the other street--God.

"Cheap, Cheap!"

How do you know when you're really, really cheap? Not just frugal but C-H-E-A-P? It's when you get as excited as I do about the holiday weekends because it means 50% off day at the thrift stores. Because it's not cheap enough to shop at thrift stores, you have to wait for a thrift store SALE!

So on Memorial Day I hit Savers and went crazy buying myself a whole new summer wardrobe! I literally filled an entire shopping cart up with clothes. And I spent $63. Beat that.

The reason that this is important is because it is the second step in my making-myself-feel-better-about-myself regimen. The first step was moving into a new house (see next post). The second step is giving up the battle and buying myself real, non-maternity clothes that actually fit instead of holding out in my maternity jeans for that magic day when I will be able to fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans. It's been 8 and a half months, and I'm done. I'm not giving up completely--I have packed my old clothes in a box for that time when my body finally decides to start working properly again--but boy does it feel good to have a waistband again. And even if I shudder every time I think about the size I am wearing, it doesn't make me shudder nearly as much as wearing pregnant lady clothes. There's just something so sad about that. And I'm tired of being sad. I'd rather be fat and happy.

Not-So-Happy Birthday

Thirty. Four.

I really wasn't in the mood to celebrate this year. The months leading up to my birthday have been among the worst of my life...my self-esteem has not been so low since I was a teenager. Celebrating 34 just didn't appeal to me because celebrating 34 meant acknowledging that I was turning 34 as an unemployed woman with very little purpose in life whose goals have been shattered after sending out over 20 job applications and not receiving one single call for an interview. Add onto that the 15 years I have spent becoming educated to do the job I am trained to do and the oppressive mountain of student loans I have accumulated to get that education and you can see where I might become a bit depressed. Not to mention the fact that even if I did get an interview I'd have nothing to wear because my wardrobe consists of three pairs of maternity pants and a handful crappy oversized shirts I keep wearing over and over again because I can't manage to lose a single stinking pound!

Yeah, so.

But, strangely enough, my birthday came anyways. Funny how that happens. And I ended up celebrating after all because in the end, it is MY SPECIAL DAY, and I just had to bask in it, failure or not.

May 18

• My dad is in town, so we go out for an early birthday dinner with him at ZoZo's Italian restaurant.

Husband seems to be just as excited as I am about my birthday!

M. chooses an entree.

May 21 (actual birthday)

• I go shopping at Target and use some of my birthday money to buy a dress to wear so that I don't feel like such a scuz wearing maternity pants to dinner on my birthday.

• Crystal comes over and we walk downtown for coffee and antique shopping.

"I have feet!"

• I don my new dress and gather my posse for dinner.

No, Ian is not feeling me up. The one day of the year I wear a dress, and Reno whips up a giant windstorm to blow my dress up over my head. Ian is only trying to keep me from flashing my goods to the camera.

"Mama's HOW OLD?!"

May 27

• Micaela takes me out for my final birthday present--tickets to see Cake. Great show. The pictures are all on Micaela's camera, so you'll just have to imagine me rocking out.
  

Last year at this time, I was very optimistic about being 33. I thought it would be one of my best years. I was wrong. I hate to say that, given that this year brought the birth of my daughter, but it is true. Last year I said that things would get better once Ian and I were out of the "heinous transitional period" that we were going through. And we are still going through it. I just don't understand how it is possible for a highly educated, hard-working couple not to be able to find decent employment. I don't understand why achieving one goal (having a baby) means that we have to sacrifice every other goal we have. I imagine that there is some old gypsy woman somewhere poking pins into dolls that look an awful lot like us.

But it is a new birthday, a new age, another year for things to improve...so here's to trying to be optimistic. Things will look up this year. They will. Really.